Empty
by Katiesmom07
Summary: A little GSR struggle in which I own nothing but the idea. If I actually owned the characters would I really be writing this? Hello!
1. Chapter 1

The pounding in his head was worsening with every little thought. It had started as a small ping like a drip of a faucet hitting the stainless steel below. The ping had gradually increased to a bounce like that of a child dribbling a basketball. It had now escalated so far that he felt like the drum in a school marching band. He willed himself to rid his mind of all thought and drift into a peacefully quiet sleep, but for some reason, his emptiness filled his brain.

In an effort to ease the tired muscles in his eyes, he twisted his blinds shut, turned off the only lamp that cast shadows in the room and eased back down onto his sofa. After a quick swallow of refrigerator temperature bottled water that washed down another migraine pill, he toed off his loafers and laid back. The cool of the leather felt almost like ice against the back of his hot neck. Placing an arm over his face, he shielded his eyes from any source of light and tried to squeeze the pain away. For a brief second, the pounding stopped, but after he released pressure it all came flooding back like water from a newly opened dam.

Still blocking the light and sound with his arm, he again willed himself to sleep. For once, thinking and work were not his top two priorities. Instead, he wished to just forget. Forget the eager-to-learn college student whose arm stayed in the air at his seminars more than the Las Vegas sun on a hot summer day. Forget the gapped-tooth smile he'd gotten when he asked if they could keep in touch and the midnight emails and early morning phone calls that were the reason he woke up every day. Forget the warmth of the blanket and taste of the coffee she'd brought him while he performed that experiment only for her and the shudder he felt deep in his soul when she'd brushed chalk from his face. Forget that his heart stopped beating when she was trapped with a madman threatening to cut her throat and when it broke in two as she revealed her past to him and shed long-overdue tears in her living room. Forget the hurt in her eyes when he pushed her away every time she got close to breaking down the walls he'd built around his heart.

The latest hurt he caused was what brought him home tonight to the cold, dark hell he called his townhouse. As his breathing evened out and mellowed, he finally drifted off to sleep and into his dream world, a world that normally cheered him, but this time only brought back the painful memories of his day.

_The team was gathered in the break room: his team._ _As he looked around at the familiar faces, he reminisced. Nick, his secret favorite, never disappointed him. His strong determination and ability to stand up for what he believed in, no matter what the cost, made being his supervisor a gift rather than an obligation. Warrick, despite his flaws, was a good CSI. Greg, his newest addition, was his polar opposite. Deep down, he thought Greg should be doing what he did best; lab work. But seeing the dream and drive in his eyes that mirrored his own at a younger age, he'd moved him to a CSI 1. Even with his mistakes Grissom was proud of how far he'd come._

_Next, he moved to Catherine, probably his closest female friend. Working side-by-side had drawn them closer just as much as it had pushed them apart. Knowing her past made it easy for him not to want to get romantically involved and knowing how much drama she had in her life with a teenage daughter and her father, Sam Braun, made it even easier to keep his distance. He had to admit that they'd grown apart over the years. His disappointment in decisions she'd made was obvious to both of them. His major disappointment, though, was her inability to be a good leader. He'd spent years knowing she was the one that could take his place when he was gone. The change he'd seen in her when she became swing shift supervisor made him realize he'd been wrong. Everything had turned from work to personal and she'd morphed into a female version of Ecklie. _

_Moving on, his eyes settled on Sara, the female version of himself. From the outside people would say that they were every different, but every opposite anyone could point out, he could explain. Outwardly, she was more emotional than he. But truthfully, he'd just spent years bottling his emotions up while she'd let every tear fall. Her intelligence was equal to his, even though she'd disagree, and her drive and need to work matched his. They shared the same passion for science and justice and the same love for solving puzzles. Their one difference was her ability to give in to her emotions for him. He'd tried, but failed miserably. He'd hurt her over and over again but, strangely, she always came back to him. He was afraid, though, that today he'd push her away for good._

_He took a second to clear his head before he got everyone's attention. He cleared his throat and everyone looked up. "I have an announcement to make before I hand out assignments." After a short pause to be sure he had everyone's attention, he continued, "I know this will be a shock to all of you, so I ask that you let me finish before jumping to any conclusions." He took a deep breath. Tonight will be my last night at CSI, at least for a while." He looked around at the wide-eyes, open-mouthed faces, but as he requested, no one said a word. "I am going to teach a course at UNLV. It's only one class and I'm only on the schedule for one semester on a trial basis. If I enjoy my work, I will stay and my responsibilities and classes will increase. If I don't wish to continue, I'm told I will still have a position here in the lab." He stopped to give everything a chance to sink in._

_Warrick was the first to speak, "Can we talk now?"_

_"Yeah, Warrick, go ahead."_

_"What brought this on?"_

_"UNLV has been asking me to consult with a few professors on writing a new textbook. I've been declining because I thought I'd be bored just sitting in a room with other guys who probably already know most of what I know. But, recently, they added teaching a course to their offer. I enjoy doing seminars," he turned to Sara, "and watching young minds blossom. I feel like this will be a good opportunity for me."_

_Catherine spoke her mind and Grissom turned his attention to her, "So that's it? You're just leaving?"_

_"I'm sorry, Catherine, but I've thought about this for a while." After a few silent moments, Grissom continued on to his next touchy subject. "Now, since I'm leaving, my position as shift supervisor will be open."_

_Catherine spoke up again, "Great! So who's Ecklie sticking us with?"_

_"Actually, Conrad, in his infinite wisdom, has made my last task as supervisor choosing my replacement."_

_"So how long is that gonna take?", Greg asked._

_"I've already decided." He looked at Catherine and saw the expected look in her eyes then watched it turn to shock as he said, "I've chosen Nick." When he turned to Nick, he saw the shock on his face._

_"Me?"_

_"Yes, Nick, you."_

_"I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but why me?"_

_"Because I think the team could use fresh, young leadership. I recommended you for a promotion a couple years back and, unfortunately, the position was cut. You deserved that promotion then and you deserve this one now. I feel that your strong will, drive and determination will be an asset to this team and its effectiveness." He looked around the room to see everyone's reactions, then back to Nick, "So, congratulations, Nicky."_

_Greg was the first to join in, "Yeah, way to go Nick. Or should I call you Boss?"_

_After a chuckle from Nick, I'll settle for Sir, or maybe Sir Nick!"_

_A few laughs followed the Warrick spoke up, "Congrats Nick."_

_"From me too, Nicky," Catherine added._

_Grissom looked to Sara for her input, but all he got was her continued silence and a look that could slice him in two. Then, like it was just another day, "Okay. Sara, you and Greg have a b&e gone bad in Henderson and Catherine, you and Warrick have a 419 at McCarran Airport in the trunk of a car. Could be that missing pilot. Nick, you're with me." Sara stood and, without a word, snatched the paper from his hand and walked out of the room. He wanted to give her time to settle down. He'd talk to her later in the shift. Greg followed her out and Warrick left after telling Catherine he'd meet her outside._

_With a look from Catherine saying that she was not leaving until she spoke her mind, Grissom told Nick to wait for him in his office. Then to Catherine, "So, you wanted to talk?"_

_"I didn't say that."_

_"You didn't have to."_

_"Mmm. I think you owe me an explanation."_

_He knew what she wanted, but played dumb, "I do?"_

_"Yes, Dammit! I was demoted from shift supervisor so we could get the team back together! I thought you and I had an unspoken agreement that I'd take over if you ever decided to leave or step down. What the hell happened?"_

_"So, you're not upset that I'm leaving, only that you're not taking over?"_

_"Just answer the damn question!"_

_"Well, you're correct. At one point we did have an 'unspoken agreement' about you taking over. But things have changed. I got to see your leadership abilities first hand and I feel that you didn't handle the responsibility the way I expected. Frankly, I think choices you've made in your life are not those of a good leader. I know that I'm nowhere near perfect, but I do know that a supervisor must set a good example for his or her team."_

_"And you don't think I set a good example?"_

_After a slight hesitation, "No."_

_"But you think Nick will?"_

_"Catherine, I'm not going to compare the two of you. You and I both know that we haven't agreed on a lot of personal choices you've made. On top of that, I didn't appreciate the person you became when you were a supervisor. This was my team for a long time and I want to make sure they have the best leadership possible when I'm gone. I feel that the best person for the job is Nick. I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings, but that's my decision."_

_"Well Gil, now we can disagree on a personal choice you've made, because THIS is a wrong decision." She stood and walked out without looking back. The female population in the lab was definitely not happy with him tonight. _

_After a shift in the lab with Nick, showing him the ropes and filling him in on all the open cases, Grissom was tired. He's kept an eye out for Sara all night, but never saw her. Even after Greg appeared in the lab, she was still nowhere to be found. He finally got the nerve to ask Greg where she was and the response cut him in two._

_"She said she was done being hurt and that she'd seen you for the last time then she went home. You two were pretty close, huh?"_

_Without a response, Grissom retreated to his office and shut the door. He didn't know what hurt more, the fact that he'd pushed Sara to the point where she never wanted to see him again, the fact that she'd revealed such personal thoughts to Greg or the pounding that had started in his head. Deciding he wouldn't figure it out if his office, he left the lab early and went home._


	2. Chapter 2

2

He was surprised at how fast the months went by. Between his class, helping with the textbook and tutoring, his life stayed busy. The nights were not good for him, though. He'd not seen nor spoken to Sara since his last day in the lab and he spent many hours regretting that. It was a regret that he had to overcome or act upon, or so his new therapist said. Sadly, his life had come to a point that he had to share his inner feelings with a stranger because he didn't have a true friend to talk to. Even worse, he had to pay someone to listen to him. So, every Tuesday at ten o'clock he met with Cathy. He had told her more in the past few months than he'd ever shared with anyone in his whole life. With her help he'd figured out a lot about himself. On top of that, he found out who he wanted to become.

During one of his sessions, he'd denied that Sara was important in his life. On his next visit, Cathy set out the notes from each of their previous sessions and had highlighted all of the times he'd spoken of her. She pointed out that if she would erase everything about Sara, 75 of what he'd talked about would be gone. It was then that they started talking about her significance in who he was as a person and he realized that she was part of him. In was a life-altering visit.

How was it that a person could survive for over fifty years and not realize who the person was that completed their soul? He hadn't figured out the answer to that, and maybe he never would. But he new one thing, Sara Sidle completed him and he was going to find a way to make her understand that.

A few days later, Grissom got an invitation to the lab's Christmas party. It was being held at Catherine's house. His rsvp was sent back the next day. It was a perfect opportunity to see the gang and let them know he'd be continuing his teaching at UNLV and not returning to the lab. It was also a good time to start his conquest for Sara.

He arrived at the party about 30 minutes late after getting stuck in traffic. One by one, he got to catch up with everyone. But as he made his rounds he realized Sara was not there. Had she found out he was coming and stayed home? Could he really have pushed her that far, that she couldn't even see him after all these months? He was lost in these thoughts as Nick finished telling Grissom how grateful he was for making him supervisor and how much he loved it. When he was finished, as nonchalantly as possible, Grissom asked, "Where's Sara?"

"Sara? She left."

"Left? I didn't get here that late did I?"

"No. I mean she left. She left the lab. She put her two weeks notice in the day after you left. We thought you knew."

"No. I most certainly didn't know. Where'd she go?"

"We don't know. She just kind of disappeared."

Grissom spent the rest of the party only half-listening to stories and jokes. His mind was elsewhere. He really had pushed her too far this time. Now she was gone forever and he would have to find a way to make his half a soul be enough.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Since the Christmas party at Catherine's he'd spent a lot of time feeling sorry for himself. He'd spent most of his days locked in his townhouse with all the blinds shut, never even getting out of his lounging pants. A couple times, he'd come to campus or gone to the grocery store. He couldn't get Sara out of his mind. It was literally driving him mad. On two occasions, he thought he'd seen her. Once he followed a woman across campus and even grabbed her arm, thinking she was Sara. After apologizing about a hundred times, he went home and scolded himself for being such a lunatic. All of this free time was not good for him. With only two days left before classes started, he watched out his office window at the hustle and bustle of returning and new students. He was surprised to learn how many students started mid-year.

His schedule had been increased to four classes this semester and he was eager to be busy again. He was teaching two beginner and one advanced forensic science course and one beginner entomology course which he was very excited about. If all went well, he would be adding an advanced entomology course to his schedule next year. His classes were larger than average this semester. During his research into the college, he'd found that normal class size was thirty students. This semester, he had over that in each of his classes. Priding himself in the fact that he was good with names and faces, he told himself that he could do this. These were people he'd see two to three times a week. The first few classes would be hard, but he'd make it through. Besides, it would give him something to concentrate on other than Sara.

He was right, of course. Once the students started rushing in for his first class, his mind focused on his teachings and his students. This was one of his beginner forensic science classes, so all the faces were new. The class flew by faster than he thought and he watched his students file out of his classroom like kindergartners rushing out to the playground for recess. As he sat behind his desk, he smiled to himself. His decision to teach was a good one. There were a few instances where he missed the lab and the experiments, but he loved teaching. It was the only aspect of being supervisor that he actually enjoyed. To be able to share his knowledge with someone and watch young minds grow really gave him meaning.

Last semester he'd had a very bright young man in his class. His name was Jeff Storrs and he fascinated Grissom with his questions and intuitive manner. It made it worthwhile to teach the class when there was just one student who retained all the knowledge that was there to be shared. He hoped, with four classes, that he would have more students like Jeff.

His second beginner course showed promise with two young woman who asked several questions just about the course syllabus. To his dismay, though, one of his students was the woman he'd mistaken for Sara a couple weeks ago. He'd spent the whole class hoping she wouldn't remember him, but knew she did when she walked toward him after class.

"Can I help you, Miss Thomas?"

"Beth, please."

"Okay, how can I help you, Beth?"

"Don't you remember me?" After a tilt of the head and a raised eyebrow, "I'm the woman whose arm you grabbed thinking I was someone else. Sara, I think you called me. Then you apologized about a billion times before you walked away?"

The last sentence was formed as a question as if she was pushing him to remember, "Yes, I do recall that. Again, I'm very sorry."

"Did you ever find her?"

She was very inquisitive, "Uh, no I didn't."

"I'm sorry. How long has she been missing?"

"Uh, do you always ask this many questions?"

She smiled and showed her perfectly straight, sparkling white teeth. "Yes. Sorry, it's my nature. I'm nosy. But hopefully that will help me with my career. I hope to become a CSI like you."

"I'm a professor."

"Dr. Grissom, everybody knows who you are. You're the CSI from the Las Vegas Crime Lab. You have an amazing reputation. You're one of only fifteen entomologists in the country." As she continued on with his resume, he wondered when he'd gone from doing his job to becoming famous. Either way, Beth was obviously his number one fan.

When she finished, "You know, you make me sound like some sort of hero. I'm not. I'm just a guy who enjoys his work."

"Well, I think you're a hero. Everyone needs a mentor, and you're mine. Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Would it stop you if I said no?"

Again with the smile, "Maybe for a day or so."

"You might as well just get it over with then."

"Why'd you quit?"

"I didn't quit. I made a career move."

"Do you miss it?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"Well, I won't bother you any more; at least not today. I'll see you Wednesday Dr. Grissom."

"Bye Beth. Nice talking to you."

As she walked away, he told himself that he'd have to keep his distance from her. He only saw Sara when he looked at her and it would be easy to lose himself in her.


	4. Chapter 4

4

The next day, Grissom's excitement about his two new classes showed in his bouncy step and the soft humming in the back of his throat. While students shuffled into his classroom quickly, he reviewed his outline for the first class. Looking at his watch, he realized it was time start and picked up his pile of syllabi. He set a small pile on the front desk of each row and told everyone to pass the papers back.

When he made it to the front of the room, he picked up his roster to get attendance. He was almost finished when he got to a name that made his head shoot up. He searched the room and his eyes finally rested on her. As tears threatened to fill his eyes, he almost whispered her name in the form of a question, "Sara Sidle?"

With a brief wave of her hand, she smiled at him. God how he loved that gap-toothed smile that actually gave him chills. With a furrowed brow, he just stared at her for a few minutes until he realized that the rest of his students were staring at him. Breaking their gaze, he tried to focus on the task at hand. It seemed like the longest class he'd ever taught. At a few points, he actually thought he could hear the slow ticking of seconds from his watch. When the class was finally over, he immediately tried to make his way to Sara. Other students stopped him, though, causing an obstacle between them with questions about the course. When he looked to her desk, he saw that she'd gone. She'd disappeared out of his life again just as she had almost six months ago. He took a deep breath and sighed know that at least there was a high probability that he see her at the next class. He wouldn't let her get away next time.

With a renewed sense of self and something to actually look forward to, he had a hard time focusing on his preparations for his next class. He was so engrossed in his notes that he never even heard her walk up. When she cleared her throat, his head popped up, "Sara!" He stood, trying to make it look nonchalant. He didn't want her to know that he was resisting the urge to run around the desk and gather her in his arms.

With a smirk, "Hey."

"I, uh, missed you at the Christmas party. I didn't even know you'd left."

"Yeah, I took a leave of absence."

"Are you back to work now?"

"No, but I'm thinking about it."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm working on my PhD."

"Somehow, I don't think that any of my classes are on your list of requirements."

"I thought they'd be a valuable learning experience."

"They?"

"I'm in your entomology class also."

"So, you're enrolled in two of my classes?"

"Yeah."

"Why, besides the fact that they will be a 'valuable learning experience'?"

"Because…I wanted to see you."

"Uh, the last I heard, Greg told me you never wanted to see me again."

"Well, maybe I was wrong." Grissom squinted his eyes and tried to look deep into hers. He was searching for something, but he wasn't sure what. She made the step to come back to him. Maybe he hadn't pushed her too far, yet. This meant that he still had a chance to make things right. But now he was presented with an even bigger problem. She was his student. Sometimes he wondered whether life was one big joke. He'd quit his last job, so that he could pursue a relationship with her. Consequently, he'd pushed her so far away that she disappeared. Now, ironically enough, she was back in his life and there was still nothing he could do about it. Life was definitely toying with him.

His thoughts were interrupted by students shuffling into the room and Sara looked over her shoulder. Before she could walk away, "Sara."

"Yeah?"

"Can we, uh, have coffee or something? I think we need to talk."

"I'd like that."

He smiled and was relieved that she didn't turn him down. "What time are you free?"

"Is seven okay?"

"Yes, perfect."

"Where?"

He hadn't really thought this through, "Uh…would you like to come to my place? Or is that too weird?"

"See you at seven."

Grissom breezed through his last class on cloud nine and almost broke into a run on the way to his car.


	5. Chapter 5

5

When he opened the door to her soft knock, he watched as her mouth dropped open. "Grissom!"

With a smirk, "What?"

She placed her hands on her hips, "Don't you 'what' me! Christ! What happened?"

He stepped aside so that she'd come in. "What do you mean?"

"Grissom! You've had a beard and mustache for over three years! What made you decide to shave between this afternoon's class and now?"

"I've been making a lot of changes in my life these past few months. I guess I just decided that it was time to make this one. Why? You don't like it?"

"I didn't say that. I'm just shocked, that's all. It does make you look younger, though."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Doesn't everyone want to look younger after they turn thirty?"

"Your age is your age no matter what you look like."

"Yes, but whether we like it or not, other people's perception of our age has to do with how we appear to them. For instance, facial hair adds five to fifteen years to a man's age appearance."

"So you're telling me that, since I'm 53, I looked between 58 an 68 with facial hair?"

"No."

"But you just said…"

"No, I said it added five to fifteen years to a man's age _appearance_. You've never looked your age. I'm just saying that for you, the age you appeared to be with facial hair was about seven or eight years older than the age you appear to be without it."

"Mmm. So I look seven or eight years younger now than I did a few hours ago?"

With a nod of her head, "Right."

"So, it's okay that I look younger. What if I dyed my hair?"

"Then I'd kill you."

"Okay. Grey it is then." They both laughed. "It's nice to hear you laugh." Suddenly, the moment turned very serious, "I missed you, Sara. There's so much I need to tell you."

"Grissom, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't turn all serious on me. I'm not ready for that yet." Trying to make it light, "You haven't even given me my coffee yet!"

With one last look into her eyes, he appeased her by moving into the kitchen to get the coffee. When he came out, he found her on his couch. She'd shed her jacket and shoes and was curled up like a child on the end of the sofa with a pillow on her lap. He sat down on the other end after handing her a cup of steamy coffee and tried to start a 'light' conversation. "So, what have you been up to?"

"After I left the lab I went to California to visit some friends. I stayed for a while then traveled to some seminars and visited a couple more friends. Nothing major, really. I've read a lot of books. You?"

"The college has kept me pretty busy with the classes and the textbook. I've enjoyed the change. I've seen Nick and Warrick a few times and I went to the Christmas party."

"How is everyone?"

"Well, Nick likes his new position. I met Warrick's wife at the party. They seem to be…content. Greg is looking more and more professional every day. Lindsay's growing up fast and Catherine is dating some new guy, Todd, I think."

"You think? It's not like you to forget names."

"Well, Cath and I don't talk much anymore. She was almost as upset with me as you were the last time I saw you. So, I've never met him and I only know his name because Lindsay told me."

"Oh. I know Cath was mad about you promoting Nick. She was a total bitch to him my whole last two weeks. She was threatening to quit and even asked for a review to be done by Ecklie. I guess she must have finally settled down if they were still all together at Christmas."

"I guess."

"So, you've obviously decided to stay at the university and not return to the lab."

"Surprised?"

"Yes, actually. I thought you'd left because of me. I thought once you'd found out I was gone, you'd go back."

"I thought you weren't ready for this?"

"Maybe I changed my mind."

"You've done that a couple times recently."

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, you're right, I did leave because of you."

"I knew it. Dammit, Grissom! How could you do that to me? Do you know how hard it has been for me to accept that I am the reason you gave up the one thing that was important to you? I can't believe you put that on my shoulders!"

"Sara! Would you let me talk a minute? First of all, I didn't give up the one thing that was important to me; you took it away from me." That didn't come out as he'd planned.

Her head hung down with her chin almost touching her chest, "Yes, I know that Grissom! You don't have to remind me. I think about it every day." Surprisingly enough, her voice never rose. In fact, she'd remained at a near whisper.

"No, you don't understand. I quit my job because of you, yes. But you took away the one thing that was important to me when you disappeared." She looked up then, with tears in her eyes. "I did enjoy my work, in fact I did love it and it _used _to be the most important thing in my life. But I was willing to give it up because I thought it was the only way I could pursue a relationship with you. I know that you felt like we could balance it, but I wasn't so sure. When the offer came from UNLV, I thought it was my best option. But then Greg told me you never wanted to see me again. I couldn't handle it. I…I just wanted to give up."

"So that's why you never came to see me?"

"Yeah."

"For the record, Greg messed up my message a little. I told him I was tired of being hurt and I'd said goodbye to you for the last time. I wasn't saying I never wanted to see you again, I was just saying that I didn't want to have to say goodbye to you again."

"Ironically enough, I didn't want to say goodbye to you. I wanted to tell you that I was ready to try and see if there was something we could build together. After I left the lab I started therapy and poured myself into my new job. Between my therapist and actually enjoying my new job, I moved on with my life. It was during one of my sessions with my therapist just before Christmas that I realized that I was missing part of myself without you. At that point I finally felt like I was able to face you, no matter how much you hated me. I was so excited to see you at the Christmas party. Then, when I got there, I found out you were gone."

"I missed you."

"That was my line."

"I'm borrowing it."

"Fine." He looked at her for a few long moments and felt part of his emptiness fill up. "We have a problem."

"Imagine that."

"Now, it looks as though we are both ready to take steps forward in our relationship."

"And that's a problem?"

"No, the problem lies in the fact that now you are my student. My dating you would be a direct violation of my contract. No offense, but I just made this change, and I'm actually enjoying my new job. If at all possible, I'd like to not jeopardize that."

"Fine. I'll drop out tomorrow."

"No, Sara! I don't want you to drop out of school. You've waited a long time for this, and I think you should continue."

"I didn't say I'd drop out of school. You said yourself that your classes aren't on my list of requirements. I only enrolled in them just in case."

"In case of what?"

"In case you weren't ready to make this step, I was gonna make you look at me four times a week until you changed your mind."

"Good plan."

"I thought so. So, I'll just transfer to other classes. Okay?"

"You don't have to ask my permission."

"I'm not asking permission to transfer classes. I'm asking if you're okay with the direction we're heading."

"Couldn't be happier."

"Good. So, what's next?"

"Well, I'm no expert, but I'd say candlelit dinners, movies, sunrises, sunsets, flowers, cards, dancing, love…"

"You sound like an expert to me."


End file.
